The Old Maid and the Thief - play version of the opera

The Old Maid and the Thief
By: Harmony Wheeler
Based on the Opera by Menotti

(Knock is heard at the door. Miss Todd goes over and answers. Miss Pinkerton enters with an umbrella.)

Todd: Good day Miss Pinkerton.
Pink: Good day Miss Todd.
Todd: May I take your coat and hat?
Pink: Don’t trouble yourself. I won’t be long.
Todd: May I offer you some tea?
Pink: Yes, thank you.

(Todd gets tea and pours Pink some.)

Pink: Miss Paxton is all the talk in town. It seems that she received a letter in the mail and fainted out of shock due to its contents, which no one knows.
Todd: No one knows what it said?
Pink: No one.
Todd: Isn’t the weather awful?
Pink: (Taking a sip of the tea which tastes bad) Awful!
Both: Awful!
Todd: Speaking of mail, what do you think of the new mailman?
Pink: I invited him over for tea, he brought his wife.
Todd: Oh, what’s she like? Handsome like her husband?
Pink: Ugly!
Todd: Really?
Pink: And sinister! I do not think I like her very much at all!
Todd: Awful!
Pink: Yes Awful. Life is so lonely here.
Todd: Yes, lonely. (Both sigh largely)

(Laetitia enters)

Lat: Miss Todd?

(Both women turn toward her as if deeply disturbed)

Todd: Yes.
Lat: There is a man at the back door.
Todd: Can’t you see I am having tea!
Pink: Oh, no, I was just leaving. Don’t let me keep you.

(The two say their goodbyes) (Todd turns to Lat)

Todd: Well, let the visitor in.
Lat: He’s only a beggar.
Todd: Then give him a dollar and send him on his way.
Lat: But would that be the right thing to do? Be a Christian m’am. I mean, I knew you would not like the sound of having a beggar, but I thought, well, just in case, oh, just look at him Miss Todd!
Todd: Well…
Lat: Just come with me! (She grabs her and begins to head off stage when they run into Bob right as they turn, who has found his way in and is quite handsome to Miss Todd and Laetitia.)
Bob: She left the door open so I kind of just walked in.
Todd: Oh, that’s all right. Goodness, you look exhausted. And you’re soaked! Laetitia, go get him a blanket. (Lat goes off stage and returns with a blanket) It will take a while to dry your clothes out. You’re welcome to stay the night.
Bob: Thank you.
Lat: (handing blanket to Bob) Oh what a beautiful voice!
Todd: Where were you headed?
Bob: Nowhere really. (Drying off)
Todd: What’s your name?
Bob: Bob.
Todd: What a beautiful name!
Lat: Let me help you dry off. Here let me take your coat.
Todd: And your Shirt after that.
Lat: And shoes and socks.
Both: And (realizing what is left. Awkward pause)
Todd: Why don’t you stand in front of the fire, you must be cold. (They move to fire, he stretches) Oh what a beautiful torso.
Lat: Let me show you to your room.
Bob: Thank you.
Lat: (to Todd) He’s so polite!

(Next Morning)

Lat: (carrying a breakfast tray) Good Morning Miss Todd.
Todd: Good morning.
Lat: Is he awake yet?
Todd: No, he fell asleep very quickly last night; must have been tired.
Lat: Wasn’t he nice last night?
Todd: The jokes he told were so funny!
Lat: Miss Todd, what if we invited him to stay another week. He had nowhere to go. How could we kick such a polite man out.
Todd: What would the neighbors say?
Lat: Nothing, to them he’ll be a sick cousin.
Todd: But will he accept?
Lat: I’ll ask him over breakfast.
(Lat goes to bedroom)

Lat: Bob, wake up. It’s getting late. (Shakes him)
Bob: (Mumbling) No, you won’t catch me. No! No! (He wakes)
Lat: I brought you breakfast.
Bob: Thanks.
Lat: Did you sleep well?
Bob: after sleeping on the stone ground for ten years, it was quite nice, although I doubt I stayed awake long enough to enjoy the soft bed last night.
Lat: Your clothes are there. When you are ready, Miss Todd is waiting in the parlor to see how you are doing. She wanted me to ask you if your would like to stay another week.
Bob: To such a paradise, how could I say no?
Todd: (In parlor) Laetitia!
Lat: I have to go.

(Knock is heard from door as Lat enters parlor and hides behind the couch as Todd lets Pink in again)

Todd: Miss Pinkerton.
Pink: Have you heard?
Todd: what?
Pink: There is a thief about! IT is the talk of the town! Murderer, thief, in our midst!
Todd: No?
Pink: Yes!
Todd: What does he look like?
Pink: (To be filled in. Pink gives a description of Bob)
Todd: (echoes Pink)



(Bob starts singing from his room)
Pink: Isn’t the weather awful?
Todd: Awful!
Both: Awful!
Pink: Oh, by the way, Miss Peterson told me that she saw that you had a male visitor overnight at your home.
Todd: Ah yes, my cousin. He is very sick and needs a place to stay; refuses to see anyone.
Pink: Ah. Well. Keep an eye out for that thief. He fled from a near bye jail. They say he is likely to kill.
Todd: I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then.
Pink: (suspiciously) yes. Good-bye. (She leaves)
Todd: Laetitia, did you hear!
(Lat emerges from behind the couch where Todd and Pink have been sitting)
Lat: What are we going to do?
Todd: We have to make him want to leave.
Lat: But won’t he kill us?
Todd: Then we must give him what he wants.
Lat: Money? Drink?
Todd: But I cannot be seen stealing or buying drinks.
Lat: Steal! Do whatever it takes!
Todd: But I’m a religious woman!
Lat: Just look at him! (Both sigh loudly)
Todd: Alright.
Bob: (enters) Good morning.
Lat: Oh what beautiful eyes!

(In the audience, in the store, stealing cider (?))

Lat: Be careful.
Todd: Be quiet. So many bottles, so many ways to sin!
Lat: I heard something!
Todd: What?
Lat: Someone’s coming!
Todd: Calm down. It’s just the audience.
Lat: No it wasn’t!
Todd: Yes it was!
Both: Shhh!
(Lat drops bottles)
Person: Who’s there?
Lat: Run away! Run away!
Todd: Grab what you can and run!

(A couple days pass)

Lat: (to audience) Days have passed now. She gives him what he wants. She steals for him. Just yesterday, she stole from Mrs. Reeves. The day before the club. Before that, she stole cider (?). She thinks he loves her. He does not return her affection. There is no appreciation. The old woman sighs (Todd on couch sighs) what a curse for a woman!

(A knock is heard at the door. Pink enters)

Pink: Have you heard! Have your read! It is all the talk in the town! The thief strikes once again. All week he has been a nuisance! Just yesterday, he stole Mrs. Reeves’ money. Before that, he stole cider (?) from the store! Keep your doors locked. Keep your windows closed! They have hired a special, famous detective! They’ll search every corner of this town!
Todd: Awful.
Pink: We must ask the police for more protection!
Todd: Yes. (Awkward pause. Lat crosses stage carrying Bob’s pants) isn’t the weather awful.
Pink: Awful!
Both: Awful!
Pink: By the way, is your cousin so very ill still?
Todd: I am afraid he never will be well.
Pink: So sad! Awful! Lucky the thief has not come your way.
Todd: Yes, well, just lucky I guess! Goodbye Miss Pinkerton.
Pink: Goodbye. (Leaves)
Todd: Laetitia! (Lat comes) Did you hear?
Lat: Yes! We have to let him know! We have to get out!

(They go to Bob’s room)

Lat: Bob, quickly, pack!
Todd: Get up!
Bob: Why?
Lat: Your life is in danger!
Bob: What?
Lat: The police are coming!
Bob: Why? What would they want here? What does this have to do with me?
Lat: They’ll catch you!
Todd: We are all in danger! We must run away. Yes, run away and get married!
Bob: What!
Lat: Stop acting!
Todd: We know the truth!
Lat: We knew it all along!
Bob: STOP! What is going on?
Todd: We were afraid, so we stole, for you!
Bob: Shame on you!
Lat: We have done no more than you.
Bob: HUH.
Lat: Aren’t you the thief everyone has been talking about?
Bob: A thief? Never!
Todd: Who are you then?
Bob: I am a beggar, no more.
Todd: Then why did you take the money I left out.
Bob: You made it plain it was expected!
Todd: (sighing) No doubt, awful! My honor, my life is at stake!
Bob: What have you done?
Todd: Stolen from everyone. Miss Paxton
Lat: Miss Channing.
Todd: Mrs. Jackson.
Lat: Mrs. Manning.
Todd: the club
Lat: we even raid a store!
Bob: You’re crazy!
Todd: Don’t worry. We’ll stand by you. We’ll run away together. We’ll get married.
Bob: You’re crazy.
Todd: We’ll lead a new life of adventure!
Lat: She’s gone mad.
Bob: I’ve done nothing!
Todd: You can’t prove that!
Bob: No. I am cousin and no more.
Todd: Ungrateful! Wretch! I’ll call the police! You’ll be sorry! I’ll see you in prison! Laetitia, don’t let him out of this room.
Lat and Bob: She’s mad!
(Todd leaves)
Lat: We must leave.
Bob: Why? I have nothing to hide.
Lat: Everything is against you! Who would believe a beggar over Miss Todd! You must go if you want to be free. Run off with me!
Bob: I’ll never have peace! (He stands up to go. They start to leave and then he pauses) Before we go, we shall make a thief of an honest man. Yes, let’s go, but as long as I am a thief, I’ll live up to it. We’ll steal everything she has. (they take things and leave)

(Todd comes back and sees that no one is there)

Todd: Laetitia! It is I! She’s getting hard of hearing. (goes to parlor) Laetitia! Bob! The house is so silent and empty. My safe has been looted! My money is gone! Thieves! Robbers! Traitors! Monsters! Help! Police! Help! Brutes! Snakes! Help, help, help! (picks up a bottle Bob has been drinking from) Oh but he was so beautiful. (she faints on couch)

(knock heard at door. Enter Pink)

Pink: Miss Todd. (Sees Todd on couch with bottle. She views the scene with triumphant imagination, shakes her head) Awful!